When You're in the Depths

Glacier National Park

I don’t know about any of you, but this year has brought a lot of heaviness, loss, and struggle for me and my loved ones. I’ve been having a lot of conversations recently about coping when you're in the depths, and I want to share some frameworks that help me gain perspective during these rough patches.

First of all, life is made of ups and downs and everything in between. Sometimes, when it rains it pours, and it can feel as though you will feel heavy forever. It may feel like you will be stuck in suspension forever, and all you want is for that suspension to end. As far as I can tell, these times are as important as the happiest, liveliest, smoothest flowing times. The depths give meaning to the heights, and they are the very keys that unlock us from our stuckness.

A friend once told me that your capacity to feel joy is only as deep as your capacity to feel pain. While that may sound trite or dismissive to some, I believe there is truth in this statement. Without pain, our days of contentment and joy become the norm, and whether we mean to or not, it becomes easy to take the beauty of life for granted. When you experience deep pain, you can feel every blip of joy sharply. You can see the simplest things through a prism of clarity. A blooming flower becomes as beautiful as any renowned work of art. A shared moment with a friend becomes as precious as a jewel.

When you’re in the depths, it can sometimes be scary to let yourself experience deep joy. Kacey Musgraves eloquently describes this feeling in her song “Happy & Sad:”

“I'm the kind of person/Who starts getting kinda nervous/When I'm having the time of my life…I'm used to fallin'/I'm comfortable when the sky is gray/But when everything is perfect, I start hidin'/'Cause I know that rain is comin' my way”

It can be difficult to let yourself feel positive feelings when you’re used to pain, when you’ve taken so many hits that you don’t want to get comfortable with moments of peace because you suspect more trouble is coming. And yet, these heights are just as important for experiencing the fullness of the depths, because they allow you to stay vulnerable and open to feeling, to receiving the lessons being offered. To avoid becoming numb.

(Being numb can be part of life, too; however, living in numbness for too long can lead to the trappings of depression and hopelessness, which are difficult to get out of.)

The ups and downs aren’t just part of life; they are life itself. In his TedX talk, musician Jon Foreman (of the band Switchfoot) uses the metaphor of music to describe the tension in life.

“The bad news is the tension ends with your last heartbeat. The tension is where we live, the struggle a part of this world.” Like the tension caused by strings stretched across a guitar, Foreman also says that this tension is where the music comes from. “I dare you to make a melody with the tension, to dance upon these strings of life.To continue to practice and engage in the struggle.” Without the tension, without the struggle, we can’t make music, we can't fully engage with life.

There’s no way to speed up the rough times or know how long they will last. But staying open to the full scope of feelings, to the depths and the heights, and “making music” from the tensions and difficulties is the key to becoming the truest, freest versions of ourselves.

In her book Vibrate Higher Daily, author Lalah Delia reminds us that “the not-so-easy parts of life are part of the journey too…but in order to arrive where you’re going, you have to keep going–through the different terrains–to the other side. Our ability to accept the mission and do the necessary work to get through is life-altering.”

Delia describes the different terrains and their unique purposes in helping us become our truest selves:

• Mountains: Obstacles, “the thing that feels overwhelming to get around or over.” Purpose: “To strengthen and fortify you, to raise your awareness, to expand your vision…The mountain is the entry point to self-discipline, renewed strength, and higher awareness, insight, and perspective.”

• Desert: “The place on your journey where it appears you’re alone (although technically and spiritually, you’re not.” Feels like nothing is growing or nourishing. Purpose: the transitional place “where you purge all that you are not and dissolve all that’s no longer useful.” The desert initiates a new purpose within you.

• Storm: “A divinely controlled experience, event, or condition in your life that can cause loss, confusion, and pain. Yet this chaos is for your higher good and progress.” This is where you feel disoriented and hopeless. Purpose: “To strengthen you, to clear your path, and to reroute your life…purifies you and helps you develop a higher level of spiritual, mental, and emotional stability and power.”

• Ocean: “The state and vastness of your emotions and energy…Waves represent your inner life.” The various states of the ocean (calm, turbulence, imbalance, peaceful) represent your own emotions and mind. Purpose: “To gain inner balance and peace. The ocean moves you into higher levels of balance and peace. This terrain also relaxes, restores, and purifies you.”

• Fog: Where you can’t see clearly, you feel stuck, “your path can be clouded by fear, distraction, stress, and exhaustion.” Purpose: “To gain greater clarity, to purify your mind, to release what isn’t serving you, and to offer better focus and direction.”

Every terrain, landscape, and climate is part of the adventure, and each one has a unique way of helping us grow and become our most essential self.

So if you are in the depths, if you feel overwhelmed by the mountain in front of you, or frustrated that you can’t find your way out of the desert, or drowning in the ocean, let me encourage you to keep making music, to keep engaging with the tension. Let me remind you that the depths are here to help you experience the fullness of life, and no terrain lasts the entire length of the journey.

Let me also remind you that there is no correct way to feel about the depths, and that it is important to surround yourself with the people in your life who understand you and care for you.

This isn’t a comprehensive guide to difficult times, but I hope it is a reminder that the rough times connect us to one another, they give us character and depth, and they help us become the best version of ourselves, if we let them.

As Delia puts it, “Whatever terrain you’re currently in, see it as a sacred place, a strengthening place, and a resting place. Rest into the process and honor whatever it has come to do for you.” And know that whatever terrain you find yourself in, you are not alone–you are in good company with humanity.